Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
you might get a letter about the baby you put in me. i was mad when i sent it.
Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best
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It started out just like any other night: was watching a Zach Effron movie, drinking tequila out of a water bottle. I don't understand how this got out of hand.
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
You barfed off the front porch while the elderly neighbors were walking their dog. We had to convince them not to call 911.
Pics or it didn't happen.
I don't want to date him...I just want him to cheat on his girlfriend with me.
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
because he's a firefighter, wouldn't sleeping with him be like saying thank you to the community?
Randomize