I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
Is the Glover Park Chipotle past the strip club?
Why is that your only point of reference?
Just answer the question
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
No I didn't say it was safe, I said it was legal. I didn't say anything about it being safe. It's not my fault if you weren't listening properly.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
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