Hey babe, chan wants you to stop texting her about the size of TJ's dick. please.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
I feel like she's the kind of girl who always ends up with guys who have oddly shaped dicks..
Nothing like studying in the College of Communication to make you realize how smart you are.
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
We had sex under a tree in his boss's backyard, then I hooked up with his best friend. I don't even care how I got home.
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
I woke up to him yelling "WHO SLEEPS WITH A BEER IN THEIR HAND?!?" this of course, startled me awake and made me spill the aforementioned beer. So I guess the a answer is- not this girl, not anymore. Asshole
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
you can't just say no to brian. he was bugging me to get me to drunk for 14 hours straight yesterday. HE DOESN'T GIVE UP
I pour the whiskey from now on
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
And I hope you're not misinterpreting us fucking as me trying to win you back. The sex is good and girls have needs.
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
Randomize
