I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
did u get his digits?
yes his name is chazbangbangbang according to my phone...
i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
I will consider it. I need to determine if ogling him is worth almost certain death via zipline.
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
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