we were naked in his bed and he told me all about what a "baller" alexander the great was.
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
How are they?
Amazing! These new boobs are going to break blouse buttons and wedding vows!
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