Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
i dont want to stoop that low. but my dick does.
Snuck into a camper in someone's yard. Hotboxing. Can't wait until they go in it.
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
I meant to thank you again for giving up a potential interracial threesome to come to my party. I'm glad you stayed!
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
Just check with her if girls can get blown, that's all.
I've had sex near too many of the blankets to let our parents touch them like this
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
Randomize
