Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
He kept surfacing with a delighted look on his face, guessing different types of food to try to figure out what makes my pussy taste so good.
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
All I am going to say is this: I woke up with lots of bruises on my knees from running around on all fours being a 'dinosaur'. Either girls night in went terribly wrong or terribly right.
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
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