I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
Randomize
