some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
By the end of the night i was making legitimate noises not just saying moo.
I do remember getting hit in the face by an ugly one because she thought I was blowing on her butthole.
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
But he does seem to be getting proper humping etiquette down. So there's progress.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
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