you ran into the room and announced "I JUST FUCKED HER IN THE ASS". apparently you forgot she left the bedroom 5 minutes before you and was standing with us all.
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
This football player keeps talking about his drunk dad. I think he may start crying. Does this deserve a roll tide?
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
So the " I'm gay but curious" thing worked. You owe me 50 bucks.
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
I'm just saying, if you haven't been dropped off at a Wawa at 5:30 in the morning by 3 cop cars, you're missing out
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
Randomize
