I walked up to her and said hello and wanted to ask her if she had fun last night... she asked me if we had met before.
ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
i think he was starting go for a boob grab when we both realized the middle of a public tennis court wasn't the place
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
Randomize
