I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
Soo....this goes on the list of odd coincidences. My gyno calls me while I'm going at it, leaves me a message. I check it later... thank God I tested negative.
careful when you do the walk of shame, they are handing out bibles on campus
Who was more unwelcome: The two of us at the party last night, or Kimmy Gibler at the Tanner residence?
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
I think mounting someone proves who's house this is
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
Come down here. We are watching people walk through the paper we taped in front of the elevator.
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
I tried to stop that, but then I pulled the leaves out of my panties and went to sleep.
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
I've come to the conclusion, I should prob have at least 20 hr supervision. I would say 24, but I'm guaranteed to pass out for at least 4 hrs a day
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
Randomize
