why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
i wonder if she has dreads down there too...
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
You wouldn't stop crying and screaming Hilary Duff doesn't deserve Gossip Girl
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
Yes but I said "let's get a dog" not a drunk human so some rules will be established this evening
Most people would agree that it IS in fact slutty to give someone head for free ice cream.
Just boned her on my desk. on top of my term paper. take that professor dipshit
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