I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
oh wait, my morality sensor is a little fucked up since I almost let my little sister's friend blow me.
so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
Just saw some guy puking out of the dorm window, its for sure monday
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
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