i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
xbox live and facebook are tricking me into believing I actually have an active social life
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
Good point, clearly my love of penis contributed to my torn knee ligament.
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
Randomize
