New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
Anddd after the worst sex of my life, he said.."do you mind taking off the condom, tying it up, and throwing it at the door?" Weird.
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
but you must be fair and judge his penis by normal penis standards and not let your vision be clouded by the rare gem of a penis you have recently encountered
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
HEY. NO. THIS IS ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW. YOUR COCK, MY MOUTH, THATS IT.
He literally cried into his tacos and screamed fuck bitches. Don't know if it was the best, or the worst hook up, ever.
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
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