I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
guys are only as good as the porn they watch
So on facebook, the pictures from my church mission trip are right up next to the pictures of my first time on E. Sorry Jesus.
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
Some how my underwear was hanging from the antlers of a antelope head on the wall of the hotel........
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
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