I cant video chat with you tonight, my parents are home
r u implying that im some kind of v-chat prostitution whore?
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
btw, her name was actually Alixx. in retrospect, it was pretty much a gimme
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
Hes stumbling drunkenly around the streets of New York with a balloon vagina on his head. I'd say hes having a good night.
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
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