Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
he sat in the bathtub shirtless yelling in gibberish for 40 minutes. funniest. stoner. ever.
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Yes
O.K.
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
what the hell is that chicken wire thing she's holding?
An artistic expression of her stupidity.
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
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