You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
just heard this guy tell a story about how he got boat head. i want his life
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
no one could get around him on the stairs cause he surrounded himself with all the empties he could find, he said he was building a fort. then he passed out on them.
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
She is still drunk from the night before, sitting here eating KFC mashed potatoes and drinking Arbor Mist before Anatomy lab.
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
Randomize
