I wish I could punch you in the face.
I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
One of my students just wrote an essay on how ninjas, like drug addicts, must realize they need help before they can get better...I gave it an A+
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
She devotes each year to either men or women. I waited all year for her to be straight, tonights the night.
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
Just saw a car towing a guy on skis drive by so that’s how Syracuse is doing today.
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