last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
three words: i give head
three words: not that well
she likes to give head while listening to britney spears, getting blown by a girl with headphones on is a nice level of separation
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"
hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
Jello bowls to the fucking face, that or ramen spiked with liq. Those are the only options in this house.
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
I have only been here for a week and might contributed to a dumpster fire on accident.
Randomize
