I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
i was more sad about losing him as neighbor on fishville than as a boyfriend
dude, seriously he just sucked the milk out of the dogs breast and swallowed it... for $20, wtf....?
It wasn't random sex though, it was almost a relationship, built on lies and sex
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
Tommorow.Eggs Benedict and surprise blowjob day
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
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