You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
New thing to add to the list of never wanted to talk about with my grandma: sweating in ur crouch and vag area
I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
Would be in best interest to sanitize the DVDs
Well she started to strip and when she slung her hair at me, she painted my face with sweat. A LOT OF SWEAT. It was a weird boner.
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
Of course I'm going to see her again. She had waterproof handcuffs in her shower.
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
Randomize
