At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
Ok just saw a girl open a pillbox, dump it out on her notebook and count out 13 adderall tabs and put them in a baggie and leave. Oh hey college.
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
Printing the vagina inspector badge was money well spent.
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
Randomize
