Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
dude i need to stop getting high. i cant afford to eat like this...
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
He also wore a doorag last night so i had to swipe left.
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
I peed outside 4 times after the bar, safe to say I had great night
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