THE most awkward situation I have EVER been in
Also, I just threw up a little in my mouth and had to act like everything was totally fine.
I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
Worst hangover of my career vs the return of the blue balls. Will keep updated
Definitely sounds like it's time for some eggs with a side of strap on
The walls are thin & apartments are narrow so all the bedrooms are next to each other. Our complex could compete in synchronized orgasms.
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
Cassie is wearing a baseball cap. This rebound is going nowhere
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
Id like to submit an apology whenever you feel like talking.
Its not gonna be for awhile Im not a very forgiving person especially since you TOTALED MY FUCKING CAR.
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
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