how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
I looked up to you, until I saw her walk out of your room.
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
Just saw the pics from the bachelor party. When the hell did we go to southie. And why was there a chicken in the limo..? You guys really are my best friends.
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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