The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
That doesn't help it make any more sense. Because now you've brought pinata condoms into this.
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
I'm sure he'll make the rejection quick and completely justified.
I hate that we are older than the real world people now
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
Randomize