seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
do herpes really smell.
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
It's safe to say that our attempt at trying to fuck in the grand Sierra elevator was a bad idea.
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
I also woke up in a guys bed in a Reptar shirt yesterday morning staring at a movie theater sized poster of the not as popular Air Bud franchise movie Super Buddies.
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
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