so when i dont talk to her she talks to herself...idk whats worse
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
Finally another gay clarinet player. They're surprisingly rare.
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
So I figured it out. There's two types of shitters. Moaners and grunters. And on occasion there's a third. It's the ill fabled grunt moaner.
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
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