Maybe if i eat something filling like whole wheat pasta it will make me less hungry for things like dick
these two guys are about to go shot for shot with syrup
now he is talking to a potato
Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
I mean I could but due to my age and being a mother and all I feel it's poor judgment to give fellatio in a public establishment.
how am i in montreal? thats like a 3 hour train ride. i remember nothing.
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
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