oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
he looked upset that i wasn't completely shaven. i reminded him he had begged. and beggars can't be choosers.
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
Great sex, the promise of us mixing our excellent genetics in the future, and access to drugs are mainly what's holding this relationship together at the moment
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
Randomize
