eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
I need to calm my uterus...
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
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