Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
HOnestly. That's my one goal for this whole trip. I don't give a shit about souvenirs or sand. I want penis.
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
I'm not getting off this floor. I love this floor
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
Of course my parents remember you. You showed them your tits
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
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