Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
I think their strategy was based on people bein at a beach, seein a rainbow, and havin an orgasm at the same time.
I am downstairs in the bar now having a beer...actually I ordered two beers and placed one across from me in front of an open chair. I did this for appearance sake, so nobody knew I was double fisting all alone. I'm getting hungry now. I'm thinking of ordering two meals just to keep appearances up.
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
Ice cream: Good. Fraternity: Good. Eating ice cream off a Skid Row bum's ass crack in order to get into a Fraternity: Homoerotic at best. I quit.
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
hi I'm Emily and I thoroughly enjoy getting minors hammered.. I'll start my AA intro just like that.
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
I just wanna suck his dick on my balcony ya know
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
Randomize
