then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
I haven't seen any of my friends sober in months. We have classes together.
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
He said he wanted to "superfuck" me
Does he wear a cape??
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
Randomize
