Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
He was about to go in...and he fell off the bed. Ruined mood!
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