if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
my dad told me i had to spend my money wisely..so i spent the money he gave me for a desk chair on weed. ill be so high i wont even notice its gone
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
It's horrible of you to say your above all this when the bar uses your drunk picture to scare people.
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
Once two people had broken bones it had become a bulk hospital trip so we took the party bus
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Randomize
