so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
Have fun at school today. Try to hide that you're a whore. The other girls will like you better that way.
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
I should have to wear a sign around the rest of the day so everyone knows the shame I feel.
How do the freshmen here NOT understand the tricks we are playing on them by now? Doesn't bode well for grad numbers. Idiots.
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
I dont know it just seems wrong to fuck her on my exes back porch
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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