I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
like if they didnt have tits and vagina, they have no idea how uninteresting to us they would be
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
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And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
When he swipes my v card it will be comparable to my bat mitzvah. should I make sweatshirts or sweatpants?
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
So apparently I’m into choking now
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