Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
Ps what kind of horrible ppl are we that we both checked blackberries during sex and neither minded?
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
judging by the mobile uploads you added of me last night, we cant keep living this way.
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
Her brother is definitely not gay. I hooked up with him when she was sleeping.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
Just think Febushuary. A whole month of 70's esque bush! This is the dream
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
Randomize
