That guy over there looks like a cartoon/action figure.
omg, i know.
we're too high.
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands
He's coming over, and I hope he doesn't get hungry. I'm sure its not proper protocol to bring one booty call to another booty call's house for the munchies.
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
He kept apologizing that the nerve damage makes him take a while to finish. Meanwhile he gave me 3 orgasms and a leg cramp
Only you could benefit from a reckless driver
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
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