your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
maybe almost giving yourself a concussion counter acts a hangover
i just feel like it would be irresponsible for you to not have sex with me again.
My vagina agrees.
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
There's nothing like when u really click with a stripper
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
Let's just say when I woke up I was still drunk. My hangover hit me around noon so I chilled w my dad and took a bath and shower at the same time. You just can't do that at college
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
Randomize
