I wanna be on tlc
Impossible. You are neither fat, fertile or fashionless.
well, atleast the road to alcoholism is fun.
you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
I'd probably lick every tooth in Carly Rae Jepson's fucking mouth.
Teen Choice Awards are on if your wondering.
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
all i know is that i woke up at 12:00 am in a shower with egg shell in my hair. i am 90% sure you are responsible.
Randomize
