i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
Heated debate on which is worse. Pissing your pants or puking all over yourself
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He brought Stephanie home from the black light party. Apparently he has night vision beer goggles
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
didn't prepare for this snow storm at all. i only have like 6 beer and all my booty calls already went home for the holiday. this is bull.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Lol yeah. Because I just woke him up to blow him for being hot.
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
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