What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
And he's in a frat. Everyone in a frat is gay. It's science.
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
Grabbed the cop's ass and he still arrested Heather instead. Victory is mine!!
Randomize
