Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
stayed up until 6am doing my presentation on buddhist art and the practice of chanting. took shots. did drugs. the powerpoint now includes a sesame street style game (with chicken/puppy clip art), an xzibit music video (and quotes about section eight and eating steaks), and a reference to a german metal band (universe). this is going to be the best presentation ever
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
i think he drugged the pie. i'll get back to you on that later.
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
I’m honestly just flattered that you think I could make PornHub’s Top 10.
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
Randomize
