Did the walk of shame past her kids. I'm younger than one of them.
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
she gave me a disgusted look and asked how i could live with myself. because i havent seen the rocky horror picture show. and then dumped me.
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
I made a game called come to class high and eat nachos.
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
It's like I just got slapped in the face with the cock of nostalgia.
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
Randomize
