After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
I'm just a little drunk right now and I have to work at 3
Omg sara
I ran out of milk and it's hot and I was thirsty
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
I bet I give better head than any other PTA mom.
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
Randomize
