My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
My liver just broke up with me...
I'm sitting in class drinking a forty out of a paper bag. No ones said anything yet. I think my professor is trying to ignore me. Better start yelling louder.
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
We are lost. Everyone is drunk and it all went downhill after we iced the bus driver.
For a limited time only, free special muffin with the referral of a loyal dro customer! Have it for breakfast and be happy off your ass all day! Guaranteed! New member must buy at least an eighth. Oh and O's are on sale for 280.
You. Win. At. Life.
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
I'm determining which apartments I'm mostly to move into based on how suitable the kitchens are for sex .
Randomize
