Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
So guy #2, the dancer, is programmed into my phone under the name H.uy. His number- 11 digits. I should have stopped drinking.
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
Nothing makes my dick softer than hot girls in rain boots.
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
Whenever there is a ShotSki involved, I have no excuse but to drink, right? It's like a rule.
Depending on which video of him streaking you watch, you can see me passed out in the front row.
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
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