Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
We just all danced like dinosaurs in the center of the dance floor.
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
they have a walk of shame score keeper on their fridge. I marked my tally for him on my way out..
ok, she started talking about how she swears her step dad killed her mom. starting to back out of this one
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
five cans of playdoh and a game of guess whose penis ...
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
I lost the right to judge tonight
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
Got lost on the way to my dealer again. He stayed on the phone with me untill i found him and then hooked it up because I got lost.. What a genuine person.
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
Randomize
