so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
woke up in a random sweater in a random bed in a random house on a street I don't recognize..
also, I vaguely remember swapping shirts with some random guy on the dance floor.
I am slightly proud of the fact his mom turns on the dryer located behind the spare bedroom EVERY time we visit!
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
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