I shaved my legs finally. I am starting to remember what my skin feels like.
No period for spring break; use this wisely.
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Randomize
